Shawn Kemp's Offspring

Written by Eboy

Don't be confused......the title of this piece is solely meant for the villans of these notes.....those blowhards from the West......the Lost Angeles Lakers. A more unimpressive team with an overblown record that I've ever seen in my 25+ years of NBA watching. For one of my blogmates who is one of those "new" Lakers fans....all I can say to you is, I hope you can live off of the memories of champions past....because this squad is surely not making anyone forget the fantastic historical teams the Lakers fielded in years gone by. Not even close. Not quite. Like a Kobe attempt to try and win a game late.

So let's get to the game......a warm Friday evening....a highly anticipated matchup....what should amount to be a blowout if all things go as they should. Your boy is not worried though, I'm in the building and I'm ready for war.

I settle in to my lower bowl seat around 7:15p for the 8:00p start, and I'm struck mostly by the truly different appearances the two teams give off in their warmups. The Heat....pretty stoic....dudes working on footwork and pick and roll D situations, basically working on all the things that keep them from being an elite team at the moment...and they know it. It's like a high school teams practice....except these guys are pocketing millions to be mediocre. I have hope though....they look like they want the game.

The other side....well, lots of loosey goosey one on one stuff....impromptu horse games and yes....part of the reason I have such dislike for this team...the most gay bench player in the league....Sasha Vuckovic, is using a basketball like a soccer ball, bouncing the ball to and fro, from one foot to another. If it went on for a few seconds I could stomach it....but as I continued looking at my watch and keeping track of this moron....a few seconds turns into a few minutes and finally after 10 full MINUTES (no exaggeration)one of the Heat's ballboys grabbed the finally fumbled ball and scoots off with it. Sasha looked like his mom died. What a waste of a contract. Perhaps that's why dude can't do anything more than shoot wide open shots or is able to be beaten of the dribble by most anyone in the league....because you know....they isn't a soccer ball rolling across a pitch that he wants to chase and he really sucks at all the other aspects of basketball. (I promise to never write pitch in reference to a soccer field in any of my piece's again}.


Let's see what else? Well, pregame there was the obligatory Pau insults in Spanish I promised. Let's just say, I think he heard them (I was about 28 feet from him and the arena was barely filled during warmups)but he did well to stay even keeled. Oh yeah, I forgot, he's a pussy. BTW, he is easily the ugliest player in the league not named Shelden Williams. Horrid.

Got a couple words in with D-Fish and wished he and his daughter and family a healthy, happy holiday. Dude seemed genuinely touched and was cool as hell for the 2 minutes I spoke with him.

I know Udonis from a few meetings in different places around the area and I had a quick minute with him....told him I have a blog that could use an interview, and he laughed and said "I hate blogs...and you're doing that sh*t now?". I hope to see him again before the end of the year.

Kobe was overly confident, pounding his chest pregame looking all smug and basically avoiding all contact with even Lakers fans that were courtside. Senor Douchebag in full effect. D-Wade was doing some stupid-ass chin ups on the net prior to the tip....just play ball kid, your arms look fine.

I had an ongoing war of words (what...you Eboy?...never that?)with a little bitch of a Lakers fan a row back from me....reminded me of B. Long...except his hair was a little more manly. His favorite insult went something like "D-Wade, you can't win without Shaq" my retort was..."At least he doesn't rape without him". Don't fu*k with your boy on his home turf. He was visibly shaken when I stood up at one point, walked towards him like I was Ron Artest in the Mo and when I got in front of him and looked at him dude slunk back and I said "you need more people around you, this sh*t ain't working tonight" as I continued on to get my big pretzel while I laughed like the Joker going down the corridor. Little bitch.

Some random notes:

Lamar was horrible all game long....dude needs to move....for real.

Trevor Ariza is pretty good.

Sasha is useless.

Bynum is truly a 3rd rate center. Joel Anthony kicked his ass. Google Joel Anthony....actually, you may not find anything...skip it. Just take my word for it.

While both D-Fish and Farmar are both solid points, neither one of them is at Rondo's level....or Tony Parker's....or Chauncey Billups...or Chris Paul's...or Deron Williams. That spot may be the ultimate shortcoming of this year's Lakers squad in the playoffs. Remember my words. Last year I told you they didn't have the bigs for it...this year it's the smalls.

Pau is a solid player, but is never a game changer. That's where my compliments end for dude. Oh and bitch, hit a free throw.

Chris Quinn looked like his normal self...slow, out of sorts, not as good as me.

UD had an off night, but his block on Kobe was MY personal favorite play of the evening.

Luke Walton is almost the same player he was 5 seasons ago....makes a few good plays....then tries to do too much...and still has shitty hair.

Michael Beasley had an off night too, way too rushed, sloppy, he's having about 2 of these per week currently. Dude is starstruck at times.

Mario Chalmers is all heart. That's my dude.

Phil Jackson got outcoached by Eric Spoelstra. Nuff said.

Alright, on to the action....

It was really an exciting game in person.....not sure how it played out in front of a tv. Dwyane was.....well....once again....the best player on the planet (pardon his missed free throws late)and while a certain Mr. Bryant played particularly well.....well he was just a little behind the current owner of "Best 2 Guard In The World"...you know, cause that's how he do's! You know, he doesn't get dunks pinned against the backboards or misses pressure packed shots. Maybe you all need to read this....just because.

"According to Elias Sports Bureau, Bryant's miss at Friday's buzzer wasn't an anomaly. Since the Lakers dealt Shaquille O'Neal to the Heat in 2004, Bryant is 8 of 36 on shots taken with 24 or fewer seconds left and the Lakers down by three or fewer points. …"

Well, we actually need to change that stat and lower his percentage a little bit more since he rimmed out yet another game tying miss up Interstate 95 Saturday night in Orlando. Basically, stay the fu*k out of Florida boys....you don't belong here.

Can you tell I'm enjoying this?

The last few minutes were intense.....D-Wade hit some really tough shots....UD blew three free throws....Dwyane missed a couple....leaving the door open for the Lakers...and their superstar...the opportunity to tie it and get to overtime, and yes, I feel my screams of hatred and disgust caused that shot to miss. Seriously. I know it worked. It was a Christmas miracle. GOD bless us....every one.

The Lakers hearts are in their prettiness. They are very similar to the Mavs of 06. Plenty of talent, will win a ton of games, will be out "manned" in the playoffs by a more hungry, maybe not as talented team....unless it's the Celts (if the Lakers luck into the Finals) and they may win a single game this time. They better hope they don't see the Jazz early, 'cause they'll be pick and rolled right out of the playoffs.

The Heat? Well they won another close one last night against the Nets, and Dwyane was killing it again, so the possibility of them winning exactly half of their games is a really viable option at this point. They're so small, but they play defense hard and they hustle....if the Lakers played that way...they could be frightening....but alas, they don't and will not...so they'll stay.....not quite.