Shawn Kemp's Offspring

Although the season ended almost a month ago, we bring you some of our End-of-Season Awards, sponsored by Nabisco. Such genius is better late than never.

This looks to be a 2 part series, with part 1 belonging to the unquestioned worldly views of Eboy and Cheryl. Without further ado:

The 5 Awards presented by Eboy:



"Worst Trade By A GM That Almost Gave A Different Franchise A Championship."

Winner- LA Lakers/Memphis Grizzlies trade of Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown

This should be obvious. Perhaps the most lopsided trade in NBA history (from a talent standpoint) when Pau Gasol and Kwame Brown switched places, the Lakers went from perennial first round exiters to actual contenders for the crown by dumping a no-handed, no heart bum to a sure-handed, less hearted power forward. The Grizzlies........well, they are in a continuous state of suck. Fabulous!!!

"Coach that won his first NBA championship by saying "fuck your Zen, try Ubuntu, bitch!!!"

Winner- Doc Rivers

Pretty much tying into the previous award, EVERY sports writer, blogger and jerkoff with an opinion gave the Celtics coach next to no chance to stand on the same hardwood with the legend, Phil Jackson, in their Finals head to head matchup. Boy, how wrong we all were. Jackson seemed to sleepwalk through the Finals, never mounting that one monumental move that could have turned the series in his teams favor (see: 1991 NBA Finals: Scottie Pippen begins to disrupt the Lakers one game flow by pretty much establishing himself as the premiere perimeter defender in the league by turning Magic Johnson into an afterthought). Phil couldn't match the substitution patterns that Doc rolled out, couldn't find a way to eliminate the dominating pick and roll game that won the Celts lone road win in the series and last but certainly not least, couldn't find a way to get his teams leading scorer creative options to get him the ball in places that would make him effective since that player did nothing on his own to help his coach out in that aspect. Simply put......Turrible.


"If I was going to go gay for one NBA Player to get a shot at his wife/girlfriend?"

Winner- Could be many (woman not players,fuckers), but I'm going with Mr. Adrianna Lima, Minnestoa Timberwolves reserve Marko Jaric.

Marko Jaric is a NBA afterthought, a role players role player. His ability and impact on a given NBA game should not warrant him the affections of of one of the most incredibly beautiful woman in the entire world. Just proves that money can get you things that seem out of the realm of possibility, although Adrianna could have her pick of rich men if she chose to so that could only mean one thing......Marko has to be hung like a donkey. Well........ big ups to him then!!!

"Player with the most to prove on his return this coming season after tarnishing his newly minted legacy?"

Winner- Dwyane Wade

Allright, so this one hits closest to home with me. The Heat were a laughing stock for a season. The worst kind really. A team with shitty management, poor coaching, player embarrassment and dead fan support. Boy, what a difference a month of offseason work can do. With Riley gone fishin' and just concentrating on the front office duties, new coach Eric Spoelstra taking the reigns to try and inject some life into the franchise and a newly minted (thanks Tariq) top of the class draft pick in their midst, the Heat seem poised to turn this thing around and not go quietly. The main question and maybe the most important to Heat fans everywhere revolves around a certain shooting guard rocking the red and black #3. Yeah, that guy from the T-Mobile commercials. His return to greatness hinges on good health and a commitment to the team in every way possible from leadership, scoring and instilling belief in the team once again. We all love you in the McDavid ads, Dwyane, but I'd be way more into you if you could put the team back in playoff contention again. No Star Jones, just saying.

"Team most likely to win 50 games and miss the playoffs in the Western Conference next season"

Winner- Dallas Mavericks

I'm going out on a limb here and say that the Dallas Mavericks team that succumb to the pressure of the New Orleans Hornets for their second straight 1st round playoff series loss will be watchers instead of performers this coming year. Sucks for them, but the West just got a little more stacked and that's no bullshit. The years of 55 win seasons from picking on the bottom feeders of each conference for gimme wins seem to be dissipating faster than the water in the bowl of Tariq's camel. Matter of fact, any team fucking around is liable to be bounced out on their collective asses.


The 5 Awards presented by Cheryl:



The “I really love this game” award:

Winner- Daniel “Boobie” Gibson

This award goes to the player that may not be the best skilled player, won’t get a whole bunch of endorsements, and you’ll likely never see on the cover of the team guide, but you watch him and he’s always smiling, he enthusiastically gives his all in each one of the 82 games of the season. He’s also the one guy that you root for, even when he plays for the opposing team.

The “I’m just doing this for the cars and the unlimited punanny” award:

Winner- Damon Jones

Funny how this award goes to the guy whose minutes were reduced because of “Boobie” Gibson in the Cavs line up. Maybe Mike sees it, too.

The “Rosario Dawson” award for the team that’s actually better than they appear:

Winner- The Atlanta Hawks

The Hawks were a fun team to watch this year, and the more you watched them play, the more you realized that they had a damn good team. And, by the time you witnessed them take the ’08 champion Celtics to seven games in the first round, you came away with the knowledge that there’s more to this team than meets the eye. Watch out, Eastern Conference.

The award for the lottery team in the best position to contend in the playoffs next year goes to:

Winner- New Jersey Nets

I’m willing to bet that most of you that know I’m a Miami Heat fan were expecting me to give this award to my team, especially with them coming to their senses and grabbing Michael “B-Easy” Beasley with the #2 pick. But I REALLY think the Nets did a tremendous job bringing in some players that will mesh well with each other and should win the Atlantic next season, as well as put themselves in position to go for Mr. James in 2010. Devin Harris gets a full season to run the team, Bobby Simmons is pretty good when he’s not hurt, Chris Douglas Roberts should do well in his rookie season, and I think Yi will flourish under little Larry Frank. This team is a sleeper, mark my words. (And sure, the runner-up has to be THE MIAMI HEAT!)

The award for the lottery team that can look forward to at least three more lotteries:

Winner- Minnesota Timberwolves

This one’s pretty obvious. Why in the world would you trade the potential star power of an OJ Mayo, for a dude that plays the same position as the player you traded your franchise for (Al Jefferson) and not even as well as AJ? I’m not saying you would make the playoffs with OJ, but at least you’d put butts in seats. Is McHale secretly trying to destroy the Wolves? A question worth asking…