Shawn Kemp's Offspring

It’s a Monday night, Cinco de Mayo night, and I am getting comfortable for the Pistons game on TNT. In honor of the Mexican holiday, I plan on drinking. Unfortunately, I am surely pissing off the Mexican gods because I don’t have Corona to drink, only Yuengling beer. I decide to tempt fate and drink this purely American beer regardless of the consequences. Hopefully, this doesn’t jinx the Pistons.

Before the game, I am talking to my friend Tariq on IM, and ask him if he is getting the game in Saudi. He is not sure about the Detroit game, but says for sure he is getting the late game, which is the Chris Paul show, Hornets vs. Spurs.

While in the midst of our convo, he comes out of the blue with this (please forgive me, for I am paraphrasing): “ I feel that women overall, make way more sense than men do….do you agree?”

Me: ” Well, that is because women are rationale creatures.”

Tariq: “True.”

Me: “Except the ones I always seem to end up with.”

Tariq: “Well, that is because you usually are looking for the booty call, right?”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”

Game time is here, and I crack my 1st beer.

1st quarter:
Maxiell scores the first 2 on a jumper. His confidence seems sky high right now.
Mo Evans 3. Billups get Turkoglu on a switch, and Chauncey with a nice move and banks it in off glass. After 2 straight turnover’s, one by Howard, one by Billups, Rashard drives baseline and gets a foul on Rasheed. “You are no Ratliff!” yells Lewis.

Rasheed scores on a short turnaround. Rasheed limps up court after the basket, apparently from turning his ankle. Uh-oh. After a score by Mo Evans, Rasheed gets the ball in the post and scores over Howard on a pretty reverse, and one. He seems to be ok. Rasheed then wets a 20 footer and proceeds to tell his ankle he ain’t no punk.

A sweet Turkoglu to Howard alley, and Howard tries to rip the basket off the backboard. Sheed picks up a foul on Howard, and Dwight picks up tech from arguing call. Howard looks really frustrated. Rip makes tech freebie. Sheed one of two.
A turnover by the Magic leads to a fastbreak by Chauncey with a 'no look' dime to Rip for the layup. A Billups jumper forces a Magic timeout, with Detroit up 19-11.

Being a native Detroiter, I’m in heaven, as they are also showing the Detroit Tigers on ESPN, playing the Red Sox. The Tigers are struggling, but the game is still a sellout, quite impressive for a Monday night game. Detroit fans are nothing if not loyal. In related news, the Pistons are on they’re 200 something straight sellout. I’m flipping between games during Pistons timeouts. Multi-tasking, what!

Back to the Pistons, and Prince puts down an alley, followed by the 2nd violent dunk of the game by Howard. And people say KG is intense?

A Prince dunk extends Detroit to a 10 point lead. Detroit really is a sight to watch when they are rotating the ball and sharing. They are like a well oiled machine when shots are falling and everyone is touching the ball.

Commercial break. Dice-K is pitching for Boston. I hate all Boston teams since they have basically won everything in sports that mattered over the last few years, and yet their fans still complain and have an inferiority complex. I’m looking at you Bill Simmons!

Back to the Pistons game, and Prince goes baseline with a sweet spin move and layup. Tay is really coming into his own. Jameer drives by Billups, and one. 25-20 Detroit.

Nelson is FAST. Off a Billups miss, he takes it the length of the court and scores. Five straight from him. A Sheed layup gets followed by Turkoglu runner, and then a Turkoglu 3 ties the game at 27. The Magic have come screaming back from being 10 down. They shot 2-15 in game 1 from downtown. This won’t happen tonight.

After 5 straight by Jameer, Hedo gets Orlando’s last 7 of the quarter. Quite a fast paced quarter for both teams. It is 29 all at the end of the 1st quarter. Not sure by this pace who has the advantage, but both teams are playing well and getting the right players involved.

2nd quarter:
Rodney Stuckey in the game, and goes HARD to the basket, and one! He is quite the impressive rookie. Detroit up 5. Carlos Arroyo in the game, and that reminds me of Cinco De Mayo, even though he is Puerto Rican. He hits 2 free throws.

Stuckey drives hard, has an open 8 footer, and inexplicably throws it over his head backwards for the turnover. He is still a work in progress. Stuckey with a steal! Of course he blows the layup, but Prince has his back. After another Orlando miss, Maxiell hits an 18 footer. Get comfortable on that bench, McDyess.

Timeout Orlando. I switch over to the Tigers game and Gary Sheffield is batting. I love Sheff because everyone seems to hate him. Him and Sheed are probably neighbors.
Back to the Pistons game, and Dwight Howard is shown in an interview. He seems to take fashion tips from LeBron. Quite an ugly suit, Dwight.

Detroit goes to a zone, and Orlando turns it over. Prince with the dunk! He is 5-6 so far. When he is aggressive, look out. He will be an All Star next season. The other Detroit rookie Afflalo hits a jumper, and Detroit leads by 11. Time out Orlando.

Out of the timeout, and Dwight gets hit on that sprained hand and starts grimacing. Not good for Orlando. He also turns the basketball over. DEEEEtroit Baaaasketballllll! That never gets old.

Offensive foul by Howard, and that is his 2nd. Detroit gets called whistled for a 5 second call, something that is very rarely called. Apparently, Prince did not make a move while the defensive player was up on him and gets the whistle.

Nelson hits the 1st Orlando basket of the quarter at the 6:00 minute mark, a 3 point basket. The zone is really confusing Orlando. Prince hits another jumper, and he is 6-7 so far. Efficient.

After an Orlando miss, Rasheed scores inside off a nice pass from Stuckey, and Detroit is scoring virtually at will. Rashard Lewis is getting abused by Sheed’s gray spot. Turkoglu picks up his 3rd foul, and the Magic are in trouble with Howard already on the bench. Timeout Orlando.

Looking back on the Tigers game, and Big Papi, David Ortiz is staring at me on my TV screen. For such a nice guy, he looks like he would straight murder you when he has a bat in his hand. Manny Ramirez also has some LONG dreads.

Bathroom break and time for another Yuengling beer. “Ok, I’m reloaded!”

Inside Trax is funny when they play back the audio of the coaches on the sidelines. SVG tells Jameer “Do not pick up your dribble till you have a shot or a pass”. Basketball 101.

TNT cuts to a Game Break with Ernie Johnson, and I got excited about being able to see the 3 amigos soon.

Rashard has a 3 rim out.Pistons ISO Stuckey and he misses a J. Pretty impressive that the rookie gets a ISO called for him, though.Fabio sighting! Oh wait, that is just Walter Hermann checking the game for Detroit.

Ratliff fouls Howard, and back to the line for Dwight. He shoots a ton of free throws. If he ever improves his free throw percentage, look out! He hits 1-2. Detroit leads 50-40 at the half. Wallace and Prince have 12 each for Detroit. Orlando scores 11 in the quarter.

Going into the locker room at the half, Pam Oliver interviews Sheed about having 3 fouls, and puts the question as such…”Sheed, you have 3 fouls, do you just like living in foul trouble?” Sheed laughs and says “it’s not foul trouble, its fouls earned” and goes on to say that is why Detroit has other big men on the bench and shrugs his shoulders. Yes, Sheed is the best.

Halftime: Maxiell in an interview is quoted as saying you “stay low on Dwight, because his legs are not very strong”. Charles agrees because as Charles said, “ back when I was playing, it was my big booty against the taller players skinny legs that was my advantage.” Charles then talks about how back in fitness class back when he was in school someone told him “big booties can overcome skinny legs”. Kenny jokes, “ you remember fitness class?” Ernie chimes in. “You actually attended a fitness class?” Yes, this is why they are the best.

In case anyone cares, Red Sox are up 4-0 on the Tigers, in the 4th. What happened to the Tigers team everyone said would score 1,000 runs this year? If you find them, please tell point them in the direction of relevancy (or Detroit).
I’m not sure if that is a toupee, or if Mike Fratello just finally took out his perm. This will have me wondering the rest of the night.

3rd quarter:
Nelson scores the first basket out of halftime, a 3 pointer. Rip takes Evans off the dribble while Evans just stands there and waves the red cape. OLE!

Nelson with another 3! He seems to be heating up. A Billups 3 goes half way down and then pops out, and Hedo gets a layup. Detroit calls a timeout with Orlando within 4.

While switching over to the Tigers game, the baseball commentators talk about all the Detroit teams are doing well right now, with the exception of the Lions. Somewhere, Barry Sanders is laughing.

A Prince 3! He is showing out tonight.Rashard finally hits his first 3. Magic have 6 as a team. They are within 3. Prince hits again, and then Dwight gets a tip in. He is killing Detroit with offensive rebounds.

Maxiell with a baseline jumper, and he has yet to miss, going 4-4 so far. Another 3 by Rashard! He is heating up. They may want to guard him. And now Turkoglu gets in on the 3 point practice by Orlando. They are 8-15 so far tonight from downtown.

Howard mugs Rip and takes his lunch money, and Rip doesn’t get a call. The crowd is getting restless. Another 3, this time by Nelson. 9-16 from 3 and Orlando leads by 2 after trailing by 10 at the half, and Flip refuses to take a timeout. 65-63 Magic.

Chauncey with a bank, followed by a Mo Evans 3 pointer. Flip seems to forget he has these things called timeouts, or that the zone was working earlier in the game. I proceed to call Flip every cuss word in the book.

Lewis gets an offensive rebound and put back, followed by Billups 3.
Ratliff checks in, and Theo blocks Howard with authority!! And then stares at Rashard. Too bad the refs called goaltending.

A block by Ratliff leads to a fast break lob and dunk from Prince to Wallace. Theo may only play 5 minutes a game, but it is a memorable 5 minutes.And Orlando dusts off the Adonal Foyle corpse.

Billups hits a 3 at the buzzer! Of course, replay shows the game clock seemed to have stopped and started again, and now they are reviewing the play. Hey, it’s called home court advantage, people. From the replay, it looks like the play took about 6 seconds, and the Pistons had only 4.5 left on the clock on the inbounds. After a lengthy discussion, the refs count the 3, but give Orlando .5 back on the clock, I guess to make it seem fair. Fratello states the shot clock operator is from Minnesota, and that they rotate them for games to be fair. I never knew this. I guess this is only done for the playoffs. 78-76 Detroit after 3.

Another Yuengling beer break! I’m legitimately excited by this. Or I could be buzzed since I didn’t eat dinner.

4th quarter:
A missed 3 by Bogans and I’m surprised. I half expect them to go in at this point.
Rashard misses a 3, but Dwight puts back a dunk that is felt in Ann Arbor.

Maxiell with a J, and he is 5-5 from the floor. None of his jumpers have touched rim.
Prince gets a block and gets undercut while in the air and crashes down hard on the court. They go to a commercial break with Prince still lying on the floor. 80 all.

They show a KFC snacker commercial, and my stomach remembers I haven’t fed it. I ignore it a take another drink of my beer.

Back from commercial, and Prince looks fine. For as skinny as he is, he is tough. Like Obama.

Lewis hits a reverse and Howard gets a put back. Orlando by 4.

Sheed hits a turnaround J, and proceeds to foul Howard on the other end in what looked like a clean strip, and Rasheed has his 5th foul. Sheed looks at the ref like he also wants his 6th tech of the playoffs, but doesn’t get it. 7 technicals get’s you a 1 game suspension, so Flip pulls him.

Rip Hamilton with a 3! The D by 1.

Foul on McDyess, and he has 5 fouls as well. Dwight is getting all the Detroit big men in foul trouble.

Billups hit 2 freebies, and it is 89-86 Detroit. Billups with 22. 7-0 run by the D.

Dwight with another offensive rebound, his 6th, and 15 total. Detroit is in the penalty after fouling Howard again. Howard calls glass on his 1st freebie, and laughs. He hits the 2nd as well.

Ratliff with another block, and Billups gets fouled hard by Mo Evans and lands hard on his back. After shaking off the cobwebs, he heads to the line, and hits both. He has 24. He is clutch, if anything. Pistons go up 91-88.

Hamilton is fouled, and Orlando is in the penalty. Rip hits both. Detroit up by 5 with 2:10 left.

Nelson hits a 3, but Orlando is only 1-6 in the quarter.

After a Magic turnover, Nelson fouls Rip and that is his 6th foul. Thanks for playing, Jameer. Keyon Dooling checks in. Rip hits one of two free throws.

Rashard misses, but Detroit is getting killed on the boards by the” Super Man”, Dwight Howard. He gets the offensive rebound and basket. 94-93 Detroit.

Howard blocks Billups, but Maxiell gets the ball and gets fouled. First time to the line for him, and he misses the 1st. He hits the 2nd, and Detroit has a 2 point lead, with 49.8 left. Timeout Orlando. I chug my beer and reload.

Hedo bricks a 3, and Detroit runs the clock. Unfortunately, they run it too much, and get a 24 second violation. 17.8 seconds left and Orlando ball. This new beer is disappearing quickly.

Rashard misses the driving layup, and Howard loses the the rebound dunk off his fingertips, and the ball bounces off Turkoglu’s leg and out of bounds. Deeeetroit Baaaaasketbaaalllll!

And before Detroit can even inbound the ball, Dooling fouls Rip, and by rule, Detroit gets 1 foul shot and the ball. Dumb, dumb play by Dooling. Rip hits the free throw and Billups gets fouled on the next inbounds, and hits both at the line. Detroit up 98-93. The last 11 Detroit points have come at the line.

After a Lewis missed 3, Chauncey concludes the scoring with two more at the line. He finishes the game 10-10 from the line and with 28 points. Clutch.

The Tigers are down 5-1 right now, and I could care less. The Pistons are up 2-0, and all is right in my world. This beer taste really good going down. Ahhh, the sweet taste of victory, followed up by the Chris Paul show.

Life is good.