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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The No-Write Zone

Posted by Tariq al Haydar

by Tariq al Haydar, unfortunately.

My legions of fans are fully aware that I'm writing a novel, one version of which is in English. Of course, I'm sure it'll end up on Oprah's Book Club and everything, but writing, and especially re-writing, can be tedious. Naturally, I manage to waste a lot of time; procrastination is an important part of the creative process. So, to celebrate the completion of Part 1 of my book, I thought I'd let myself be inspired by Eboy's list of things that have helped him endure the summer and come up with my own list of diversions, things that help me avoid writing:

1- Compiling Stupid Lists.

2- Facebook. 

Now, if there's a more meaningless slab of cyberspace out there, I'd like to see it. I don't know why I still have a Facebook account, but I do. And it's the first friggin' site I log on to. Yes, even before...


Chukaz lives.

4- iTunes.

I am the king of making stupid, stupid playlists. After years of study, I have mastered the art of mashing together songs that have no business being together. I like to open things up with Radiohead's "Everything in Its Right Place" just to be ironic. Here's a sample:

- Nas "Fried Chicken"
- Neil Diamond "Sweet Caroline"
- Some Arabic song you've never heard of.
- Something with maybe, let's say Pharaoh Monche.
- Al Green "Let's Stay Together.
- Beck "Gamma Ray"
- Nas "The Slave and the Master"
- Nas "Nas is Like"

OK, so I've been listening to way too much Nas. Sue me. Speaking of which, fun fact: Nas's real name is Nasir, which is Arabic for "One who brings victory". And what's the opposite of "Nasir"? Yes, that's right: "Kwame" (well, not really, but it should be).

5- Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch.

I love Cap'n Crunch. You know what else I love? Peanut Butter. Hence, I love Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. I wish I could do this with other stuff I loved. But then you'd live in a world which contained things like Jessica Alba Fruit Punch and Sony PlayStation Lobster Bisque. I'm weird.

6- Thinking impure thoughts about junk-in-trunkish Dolphin Girls (ask Eboy).

7- Starbucks.

I JUST discovered the beauty of the triple shot. I drink way too much caffeine. Fun fact: "i before e except after c" is a pretty good rule, but it is shattered by the word "caffeine." Think about it.

8- Kurt Vonnegut.

I'm probably gonna write a Ph.D. thesis on this dude one of these days.

9- Good TV Shows that Get Cancelled.

It wouldn't bother me so much that shows like Futurama and Arrested Development get cancelled. It is just TV, after all. But what irritates me is that people would rather watch shit like 24 and Lost and and Desperate Housewives and CSI: Skokie, Illinois and shows where people eat vats of mayonnaise and then proceed to vomit. It tells you something about where we are on the evolutionary chart as a species. Thank God for DVD. Here's hoping 30 Rock stays on the air. Oh, and this doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but if Heath Ledger doesn't get a posthumous Oscar, I'm going to make numerous pencils disappear.

10- Dang, that Dolphin Girl is fine! Thank you for ruining my brain, Eboy.

There, I just wasted 20 minutes.


Tariq al Hayder said...

This is EASILY the stupidest thing I've ever written. I'm so proud of it. It's like my little coked-out baby.

Hursty said...

I've done stupider. I raise you 1 brain cell use thing Tariq.

Eboy said...

Glad that I could help with your downturn into the dirty underbelly of useless writing! Go Dolphins!

TADOne said...

Listening to too much Nas is never a bad thing. Trust me. A like Nas says in "Sly Fox", TV is the "idiot box". Then again, I guess i'm an idiot.

TADOne said...

*AND like NAS says....

AR said...

So many TV shows I have loved,LOVED have been cancelled after one season,it's depressing,I'm not even going to list them.The world hates me.

Oh and I was doing this stupid list thing a year before everyone else.

BETCATS said...

Tariq, you do relize that the dolphin girl is actualy a lesbian porn star from and is in no way affliated with the dolphins? And Fox is racist, CNN all day!

Tariq al Hayder said...


No, I didn't realize that. Are you serious? She really is a lesbian porn star? Or are you just messing with my emotions?

Speaking of playing with emotions, my brother went to a wedding on Sunday and said he saw a Saudi chick who looks EXACTLY like the aptly-surnamed Megan Fox. Is it possible to fall in love not at first sight, but at NO sight?

Oh, and Betcats: Fox News is certainly the most laughable of all media outlets, but don't think that CNN is really giving you "news". They're not trustworthy AT ALL. Neither is USA Today or the Post or ANY mainstream media. The role of the media in a free society is to control the people, and they just report what's in their interests to report. Like Pac said "Don't believe anything you read". Of course, Pac DID follow up that instruction by saying "Alize and weed", so maybe I should have looked for another source to quote, but you get my drift. Long live Queen Mab.

AR said...

The most informative news programs are the Parodies,which is absolutely sad and depressing to think about.CNN is pure shit and not even entertaining,FOX has some gold comedic value.I can waste a whole night watching the O'Reily Factor and Hannitty's America and just think to myself:'Christ,these people actually exist and are the majority,I'm glad I live in a country where there are NO right wing parties to speak of'.

Tariq al Hayder said...


Yeah, you're right. Fox make me laugh, while CNN just piss me off.

TADOne said...

I think it is quite hilarious that O'Reilly's wifey is Flava Flav's former squeeze!

Hursty said...

She is a lesbian pornstar Tariq. Click on the picture. The watermark is For real :) I pointed that out on E's original post. Hehe.

BETCATS said...

tariq, yes hursty is right, and i was not joking about the 'dolphins' girl, she realy is in no way assciated with the Miami Dolphins. But i just watch CNN for the Headline News. CNN also has this women who speaks in a mono-tone wannabe funnyman voice and reports all these usless stories. She annoies the living and dying sh!t out of me. I sometimes (when nothing good at all is on) watch Keith Obberman just because it is funny to watch him say 'Mr. President, bla blalblblabla YOU SUCK' or watch Dan Abrams yell about nothing. MSMBC is the greatest entertainment channel, ever...Obama Oh Eight!

BETCATS said...

and Tariq, just to let you know, she has gotten more pu$$y than you.

Hursty said...


Porn Tube said...

I'm so proud of the thrash that you've made... Keep it up!